


The Future Isn't Alone

by boxofhatebrains



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Armchair Therapy, Light Angst, M/M, Not Gundam Wing: Frozen Teardrop Compliant, Past Relationship(s), Post-War, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:34:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28117020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boxofhatebrains/pseuds/boxofhatebrains
Summary: Duo faces some hard truths and begins a new relationship after the wars.
Relationships: Duo Maxwell & Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell/Quatre Raberba Winner, Trowa Barton/Quatre Raberba Winner
Kudos: 5





	The Future Isn't Alone

"Hey,” I say, but I can feel its awkwardness. I knew it would be hard to do this, but I need to. I need someone right now and I hate to admit it, but he's the easiest one to be around. He's the easiest one to be myself around. And, well, he deserves to know...

"Hi,” he looks up and smiles before quickly patting papers together and stapling them.

He doesn't even look surprised. He's used to me hanging around lately. He's used to me just showing up suddenly.

"What's with the...", he trails off, but his eyes smile and focus on the bottle in my hand accompanied with two cheap, plastic campaign flutes.

"Oh, a little celebration,” I tell him with an enigmatic smirk. Quatre likes enigmas, likes being teased by puzzles he can't solve.

He laughs and scoots the paperweights and office supplies to the side so I can set the bottle down.

"Don't worry,” I tell him and wink, gesturing to the wine bottle, "It's kid stuff."

I unfold myself on the chair in front of his desk and prop my feet up; I relax. It's been a tough road to get here and I'm tired, but there's still more miles to travel. But for the moment, I get my breath back. I ask for a second wind and some courage, to any god or almighty force willing to listen.

He gives me a few minutes to unwind, filing things and finishing up the day, before his curiosity interrupts his work.

"So, what are we celebrating today?" Quatre asks, with a grin that tells me that he's giving in and can't think of the reason.

"A lot,” I tell him, sitting up to twist of the top of the grape juice.

I pour the same amount into both plastic flutes and hand him one. He takes it politely, but I see his eyes are bright with hungry questions. However, he waits patiently and I'm grateful because I'm trying to remember what I'm supposed to say. I had this all mapped out, so I wouldn't back myself into a corner, but here I am, bumping against every corner...

"To the future…or something like that,” I proclaim and hold up my glass. He chuckles and holds up his glass. We drink, but there's a whole lot of silence that seems to stiffen each swallow I take, just to stall a little more time.

"That was pretty lame...huh?” I murmur, a little embarrassed, "How cliché…”

"Hmm,” is all he says as he watches me with an encouraging smile.

"I've been seeing someone lately", I confess, and then correct myself before he gets the wrong idea, "I mean, I've been seeing a guy, a shrink. You know, a therapist..."

It's a lot more difficult than I had thought. It's really tough to tell him that I've been having problems, ones that I can't take care of or ignore enough. It's hard just admitting that I'm not perfect, that I have things that I want to change and can't just can't do it on my own.

His face turns very serious, but he nods and understands because that's what Quatre does, he nods and understands and doesn't judge. He just accepts you for whatever you are, right? I hope so, because now that I'm starting to understand my problems, the more I realize that other people - people that I love - are just as good as running, hiding, and ignoring their own.

"He's been...helping me sort it out, you know?" I say and point to my head, "There's a lot that gets pushed back up there. And he's right when he says that 'abandoned' doesn't mean 'forgotten' and ‘running away’ really doesn't mean 'solved' at all. So, I've been trying to confront things, trying to understand things and..."

I try to swallow, but it crumples in my throat, never really makes it down.

"I guess that I'm finally laying things to rest. There's a lot of things that I've been running from and that's been hurting my relationships with the people I have now."

Again, he nods, not agreeing, just understanding, and his face melts into all sorts of soft and patient empathy.

"But I'm shifting through it,” I tell him, assuring him or maybe myself, "But I wanted to come to you and say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I distanced myself from you."

He looks lost, and then surprise stretches across his face. I can tell that his lips are ready to soothe it, to tell me that it's not my fault and I have nothing to feel sorry about, but the words don’t surface.

"I'm sorry that I overreacted to you telling me about...Trowa", I stumble and bounce my knee in nervousness, I didn't mean to bring it up like this, "And I'm sorry that I didn't...I wasn't there like I should have been when he..."

_When he left you..._

"I was dealing with a lot of shit at the time and some of the things you talked about, I was uncomfortable with. And that's not your fault, I know. I guess,” I pause and figure 'what the hell, I've come this far' and let it out, "I guess it hit too close to home..."

I let it sink it just a little, but continue when his mind is still figuring out what I'm saying and slowly comprehending what I'm not.

"So, I just couldn't deal with it then, but that's no excuse. It was all me, and not you. It wasn't really about you..."

This trip down Memory Lane looks like Hell; me, fumbling through and Quatre feeling the brunt of it. Fresh and wet, I can see the pain in his eyes. I feel like such an asshole.

"And I was jealous before then,” I confess hurriedly, "I felt like if I hung around, I would be...I have 'abandonment issues' the Doc says. I'd usually say he's a quack, but..."

I try to laugh, but the mouth doesn't cooperate.

"I guess I use humor as a defense. He says that I gotta tell myself that it's okay to...you know, to tell people what I'm thinking. It's not what I'm used to, though. I mean, they’re my own problems and I try to deal with them, but he's helping me..."

I'm starting to ramble and get edgy by his silence and his face becoming unreadable. His stance, his demeanor, his eyes - they tell me nothing. Suddenly, I get a little afraid. This was supposed to be easier. This was supposed to be ok. We were supposed to laugh about this and feel better...

"That's all,” I say and stand up, ready to hike it out of here. I’ve done my damage. It was stupid to bring this all up.

I throw my plastic flute out in the trash, and feel some kind of sadness when I see it there. It was a last moment thought when I was heading over here. I thought it'd be cute. I thought it'd mean something.

"So, well, sorry. I'll see you around, Quatre,” I say and offer him a smile that's fake, we both know it, but it's the gesture that counts.

"Duo,” he quietly stops me, "I think there's more...I think there's more to why you've come here...I want to hear it."

My heart twists around, feeling out of place in my chest. I don't know if it's his gift or only simple intuition. Is he asking me to tell him what I've been avoiding or to tell him more about what's been going on?

"I don't know,” I tell him honestly, and the sincerity scrapes against my skin as it passes through my mouth.

"I really want to hear it. I want you to continue,” he evenly says, but there's hints of desperation in his eyes as they open up to me again.

I hesitate because I can’t un-say my feelings, even if it is with Quatre. 

"I thought I loved him", I whisper, and then realize what I've just said, what I've admitted out loud. It's the first time I have, it's the first time I let myself.

But it's like he's heard me say it before, maybe a million times before, because he nods and I know how deeply he understands.

"I didn't know what to do,” I sigh and collapse back into the chair, "I still don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to..."

I gesture, but I'm not even sure what I'm meaning.

"I know. I felt the same way...with Trowa…at the end."

There's stillness in the room after he says that, after we begin to really split ourselves open to each other. There are cars honking and rolling outside. I hear the heater rumbling, but between us, there's quietness.

"I'm sorry,” I whisper, but this time I feel it. He does, too. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

"It's all right,” he sighs and walks around the desk, sitting against it in front of me, our knees almost touching.

"No, it's not, but thanks,” I smirk wryly.

"Yes, it is,” a tiny smile curls on his lips, "For some time, I was disappointed. Many people that I cared about were apathetic at best. I tried not to let it get to me. I know that not everyone was comfortable about the relationship we had, and they don't need to be. It's my business, but..."

I stretch out a little more. The fabric of my jeans brushes against his khakis and his smile widens.

"I was hoping for more support when it was over and was surprised when it wasn't there."

I feel bad, but let him continue, allow him to express himself. This is how to be a good listener, that's what Doc says. It's the key of communication, he swears.

"But I understood why you acted like you did. It hurts, but I knew. I could tell hints of what was going on at the time...Did you ever tell Heero?"

That's a tough question, but he deserves an honest answer. I lower my head and reply, "No, I never had the guts to and I'm kind of glad that I didn't...I mean, things change...and I never stood a chance."

His knee gently touches mine this time and I’m the one who smiles...

"Plus, I think in the end, we're friends. Good friends, but I don’t think I could give him what he wants...in a relationship, you know? And I began to notice things that I would need that he wouldn't be able to give me. And the point for the win, he's in love with her. I can see that and I don't want to..” I search for the right words, "complicate things."

Here comes one of the toughest parts, "And...I can't lose someone again. 'Abandonment issues' and bullshit. I'm-I get scared sometimes.”

I take a deep breath in and he calmly waits, "I don't like being alone. I like being around other people. I need them to laugh at my bad jokes and think, 'That Duo, he's a fun guy. He's a good guy.' But at the same time, I keep telling myself, 'Don't get in too close. Don't depend on them because one day they'll die and that can be any time. That can be today.' I try not to let it get in there, but it does. But I want to…get close, you know?”

I pause, and let my eyes fall from his face, back to our knees.

"I think he's getting better at it than me, Heero is. He's doing better each time I see him. She’s been good for him. He’s getting more comfortable in his skin, finding himself out, whereas I just found out who's been in my skin...and I don't always like him. I don't like the way he feels sometimes. And I know…that…the person I am can’t help him -Heero- grow in the ways he needs to. I can’t be that person.”

I let out a long, long breath that I’ve been holding in since after the war.

“That’s…wow,” Quatre finally says, “That’s so…I don’t even have the words. Insightful. Kind of heartbreaking…Thank you for sharing-“

“But there’s something else,” I nervously cut in. “Something that kind of blindsided me during this whole soul-searching thing…”

“Yeah?” He comfortably prods.

I fumble at smiling, feeling my heart climb its way up my throat. “Yeah, I've got someone who's always opened the door to me even when I didn’t always deserve it."

I strangely feel shy as I smile downward and feel more of his knee firmly against mine, no more light brushes. I can feel his smile, too, but I don't look up. I let myself go, I let myself be imperfect and flawed. I let him in a little more.

"So, this 'someone', he’s always been there and listened to me, even when I was a dick. And when I think about him… I really like him a lot,” I confess, rolling the words nervously out of my mouth, “I think I might have for a while, because he brings out the best in me, actually brings out the best in everybody. But there was a lot of shit that went down and I treated him pretty bad. Plus, he's went through this bad break up, so I don't want to..."

"Complicate things?" he asks in a hushed voice.

I glance up at last and see his face is red and awkward, but cute.

"Yeah,” I answer and resist getting up, walking away, and forgetting this happened.

There’s a silence between us that lingers, and I’m wondering if he’s finding polite words to turn me down. Kind, Quatre-like words that make me feel like a good person even though I’m being rejected…

"Life is,” he pauses to lean back, "pretty complicated, though. But I think that's what makes it so...worth living. To figure everything out and just appreciate having it. To explore those imperfections."

"Yeah, I guess. There's still a lot I've got to work through,” I tell him honestly, "I still have..."

His nod is short and maybe he can't understand everything, but I have the feeling he understands me.

"Well, you came here to celebrate, right? So, let's celebrate,” he smiles and then stretches over the desk to grab his glass, "Let's celebrate working through our troubles, even when we think we can't fix them. And facing hard truths and really…vulnerable moments."

"Well, there's only one glass now,” I point out, still waiting for that other shoe to drop, or maybe him just leave my confession half-baked.

"We'll share,” he says as he pours the bottle.

However, his face flushes as he takes my hand and we both hold the campaign flute. His eyes are guarded, but there, unwavering from mine. Maybe…this wasn’t so bad.

"To facing our fears,” he toasts and adds, "and to the future… _our future_."

**Author's Note:**

> Circa 2007-ishhhh. Originally posted to Livejournal's GW500 challenge: challenge #201 - milestone. I've tweaked it because I'm younger and dumber now. And for clarification.


End file.
